I’ve had a huge response to my last post. I’d like to say a big thank you to everyone who has commented and for all your thoughts, hugs and prayers – they mean more than you can ever know.
As regular readers of my blog will know, I just tell it like it is. Most of the time I manage to get through the days with at least some level of joy and gratitude. But some times, I do not. There are times when I’m just so flippin tired of the constant fight that I wonder what on earth the point to life is. It’s one thing being sick for a month or two, or even a year or two, but I’ve lived with daily pain for 36 years now and some days I’ve just had enough. I haven’t slept the night through for 21 years. There is not a day which goes by where I don’t feel nauseous or dizzy. I never have a clear head. I am exhausted beyond any healthy person’s comprehension every nano second of every day.
I can’t eat what I want. I can’t do what I want. I am without care of any kind. I’m lonely. I’m skint. And it’s been like this for over two decades.
It’s absolutely normal to feel depressed at times. I’ve never understood the insistence to be positive and perky every second of your life. No offence to my American friends, but this pressure to never feel down and to always see the silver lining seems to be particularly strong in the States. We Brits are much more realistic about life and are pretty good at moaning 😉 . Holding everything in and pretending that all is fine when it clearly is not can lead to serious depression.
Someone commented that there are people worse off than me. People with cancer or ALS. I’m not sure that’s true. I’ve had 3 Aunts and 1 Uncle die of cancer in recent years, so I know what they went through, but they were sick for 3 years then died. Other people are sick for a few years then recover. They don’t suffer with cancer for 40 years. One of my neighbours lost half his leg, 8 fingers, half his nose and half his ear due to frost bite following a climbing accident. But he’s not sick, still works full time, has 4 kids, runs every day and still mountain climbs. He has not had to spend a large portion of every one of the past 7,665 days in bed like me. Another of my neighbours is in the end stages of Parkinsons Disease, a terrible illness which is robbing him of every bodily function. But he’s 89 years old and until 5 years ago he was still digging the garden and driving his car having never suffered a days illness in his life. He has children and grandchildren and a loving wife of 60 odd years. He has memories of travels and adventures and a life well lived. I wish I were that fortunate.
I’m sorry I scared some people talking about suicide. But at times I do feel suicidal and I think, given my circumstances, that’s natural. Fairly early on in my blogging I wrote a post about it which you can read here. I also wrote a post about people’s differing attitudes to their circumstances which you can read here. I might feel differently about my situation if I lived with a loving partner, or was being cared for by my parents, or had no money worries. But I’m not in that position and my life is one relentless, exhausting struggle just to eat, bathe and get through the day. You can’t know how you would cope living someone else’s life until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes.
I’m not going to apologise for writing yet another downbeat post. This is my current reality. Tomorrow, or next week, or next month, may be different but today sucks. And to any of my readers whose today also sucks I send big hugs. We’ll get through it together.