It’s (not) good to talk

It’s been a tough year so far with one thing and another.  There really was no need for a global killer pandemic on top of being bullied and publically slandered, losing the desperately needed house I’d searched for for 5 years, and spending months being bitten by vampire bugs while I slept.  Add the final stages of the menopause to the mix, not to mention all my pre-existing health bollocks and my 8 years of non-stop caring duties, and I think I’ve earned my recent mini melt-down.  When it got to the stage where I started to cry the second I opened my eyes each morning, however, I knew I was in trouble and something had to change.

I’m usually pretty good at giving myself a rallying pep talk, re-aligning my state of mind and counting my blessings, but the past couple of months I’ve just been too tired.  Way, wayyyyy too tired.  Instead, I did something rare for me and reached out to other people.  Admitted I was struggling.  Hoped for some loving support and guidance.  I might as well have put my mental health in a blender.

I told my GP, not for the first time, that I was struggling and feeling overwhelmed in a recent written review I have to do each year for my insurance company.  Being as though I call her by her first name, she’s been my GP for years and she knows how strong I usually am, I thought she might at least be concerned enough to pick the phone up and speak to me.  Just to check I wasn’t going to slit my wrists in the bath.  Turns out all the lovely caring doctors you see on the telly are just actors and the ones in real life don’t give a shit.

I reached out to my disabled friend, to tell him how stressed, overwhelmed and exhausted I was.  And he told me to cheer the fuck up and get over it.  Helpful!  And needless to say we are no longer friends.

I told my ‘nice’  neighbours and friends of 16 years that I was really struggling with all the increases in noise where we live, particularly as I’ve been feeling so exhausted and it was affecting my ability to sleep, and was told it didn’t bother them, the world can’t stop turning for me and to basically get over myself.   I’m no longer friends with them either, particularly as I was crying when I was telling them because I felt so down and unwell.

I’ve also written several posts here on my blog recently about how low I’m feeling and out of 900 followers less than 10 people have reached out to me.  So to Melody, Guinevere, Livvy, Eirlysgwenllian, Jane, Elaine, swinkie34, Jill and Daniel I have one thing to say……………… 🧡 🧡🧡🧡🧡.   And to Linds and jen6girls “thank you from the bottom of my heart!” for offering (and in Linds case getting at huge cost to herself) me some famotidine.  And to those of you who I know are going through stuff much, much worse than me (artfulblasphemer I think of you often) and are too unwell and exhausted to comment, I understand totally and send my love and hugs.

On the whole, though, the reaching out thing has been about as successful as Boris Johnson’s Covid response .  On the plus side, not spending half an hour each day talking to my disabled friend on the phone to ease his loneliness plus half an hour each day talking to my ‘nice’ neighbours who are isolated due to Covid has freed up a whole hour of my time, so at least I’m managing to keep on top of my laundry.

I’ve discovered that it’s not that good to talk (only Brits will get the joke 😉) and it’s solely up to me to pull myself out of the mire – no change there and the story of my life.  So I scraped up the energy to give myself the pep talk.  To re-focus my intentions for my days.  To raise my vibration.  To keep moving forward by setting myself new goals and challenges.  Which might involve me being substantially more selfish and which will come as a shock to most of the people around me who take my care of them, and the generous donation of my precious time and energy, for granted.

It’s at times when we feel at our most weak, that we have to be our most strong.  Onward and upward Warriors!

17 thoughts on “It’s (not) good to talk

  1. Kelli

    You should be commended on reaching out. It’s difficult. I just wanted to say thanks for your blog. It helps me tremendously. I have MCAS, and very few understand. So THANK YOU!

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  2. Helen

    Ah hunni – if I didn’t live so far away from you (in the Midlands), I’d be round with a dubious casserole and a socially distanced hug, I promise. The relentlessness of relentless ill health is only understood by a special few eh? The club no-one wants to belong to, but the members REALLY understand the deep dark places it can take you to.

    If it’s a help (and not a further drain), I’d be really happy to be your (Facebook) messenger pal. Not as useful as a dubious casserole, but …. 🤷‍♀️😉😘

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        1. Jak Post author

          If it had been a bottle of cheap cider and a tube of sour cream n onion Pringles I’d’ve paid your taxi fare myself 😆

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  3. swinkie34

    I wish I could come and pick you up and give you some tlc and a bit of respite love.
    When its ok to fly, PM me…I may be able to help.
    Meantime, sending healing love and hugs..x

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  4. artfulblasphemer

    I swear I commented yesterday, but it’s not here……

    Reaching out and not getting what you need really blows, and I completely understand how hard it is to realize that many relationships are one-way streets. I’m sorry that you have been left wanting instead of comforted.

    It’s a weird, difficult time, and it seems to not always bring out the best in people. I think of you often and really hope that you find something to help, both short and long term. Hang in there.

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    1. Jak Post author

      Thank you! I agree about the pandemic – we are seeing the best, and the worst, in people.

      How are things with you? What’s the current situation? x

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      1. artfulblasphemer

        Oh, lord have mercy, honestly. We will have been here waiting for 3 months on Sunday. My son’s father chose to get arrested in a (back home) locally high profile, very bad situation that means certain prison time. Perfect timing–he couldn’t just be a deadbeat, he had to go get the front page of the paper and embarrass his family. We’re lonely and isolated, and I needn’t tell you how challenging it is to have food issues during pandemic. Then there’s the general dumpster fire that is American government at the moment. I’m surprised we get out of bed at all, tbh.

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        1. Jak Post author

          I can’t even imagine your situation 😢 Has there been no transplant news at all?! Have the 2 people waiting ahead of him had their transplants yet? I suppose the pandemic hasn’t helped the transplant situation in ANY way 🙁.

          Don’t get me started on the absolute fecklessness of many fathers. We women are stronger in every possible way, and you my lovely are stronger than most! Hope the news of his Dad’s arrest hasn’t traumatized your son even further – just what he needed at a time like this.

          BIG HUGS to you both. You’re in my thoughts xoxo

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          1. artfulblasphemer

            He has been “next” on the list for about 6 weeks. Covid is definitely affecting the donor pool–most donors are accidents (fewer people on the road–at least in theory) and suicides (which one might expect an uptick in, but then again it seems not). Also, though, since he is 29, they want a young heart that will last his lifetime and avoid a second transplant down the road. So, since he is stable, they will be exercising caution in accepting an organ. My youngest son (18 ) has said that the only stupid thing 20 year olds are doing right now is catching Covid, so he thinks we’ll wait until Halloween (in his estimation the next “do something stupid” holiday). I really do hope he is wrong.

            The arrest was traumatizing. He texted his father and told him he’s a total embarrassment and to never contact him again then blocked him. Which is probably best.

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            1. Jak Post author

              Gawd, I hope you’re not waiting til the end of october for a donor 😕. The fact that you are basically waiting for someone else’s child to die so that your child can live must be unimaginable. Hang in there xoxo

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  5. Elaine Stammers

    Yes, indeed you have had the shittiest time this year that I can imagine. To reach out to people and for them to respond the way that they have is the most horrible thing to have to deal with when you are right at the end of your strength, and I am so very sorry that this happened. It is
    appallingly hurtful. I know from my own experience that when I am feeling depressed that is the VERY time when I find it hardest to reach out at all.

    To have a medical professional person do that to you is inexcusable especially when it sounds as if it someone you trusted. I have to say that I wonder how much these medical people actually bother to read anything that is sent to them. I used to write letters to my GP and had the strong suspicion that they were simply scanned into the system and she didn’t get to read them unless someone put it under their nose.

    The 2 so-called ‘friends’ also must I presume feel like a betrayal. With friends you can make yourself vulnerable over time, and give trust to the person, and when that is betrayed it can feel devastating. I once had it in an employment situation where a close friend sent me to Coventry and stopped speaking to me and I had to go for counselling over it, as I was so upset. It is especially hard if you are isolated and don’t have many other friends to fall back on for support.

    I know I am just stating the obvious above. I just wanted you to know that you were ‘heard’ at a time when you need to be heard. You deserve to get more than you are getting in the way of support and just human kindness, and it is dreadful that you are not getting that. I am living alone for the first time in my life, and I realise how vulnerable one can be alone, and in your case you are supporting others too (I also support my son with severe mental illness from afar but it doesn’t involve so much donkey work). I wonder if there is a carer’s group locally. Not a magic wand I know and with Covid-19 so much has closed up, but you are certainly a carer and should have an assessment of need – though of course you need more than an assessment!!

    Sorry – my reply has been about as long as your blog! We used to get taught ‘precis’ at school (presumably from the word ‘precise’) but I wasn’t much good at it.

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