Covid-19: the positives

Ever the one to look for silver linings (OK not true – I moan a lot, but pretending to be positive makes me sound virtuous), I thought I’d list some of the upsides to the lockdown.

1. Everyone else is living how I have to live:

  • Can’t exercise ✔
  • ^ Bingo wings, cellulite and muffin tops are the new black ✔
  • Has everything delivered ✔
  • ^ Campaigning for Tesco home grocery workers to be knighted, every last one of them ✔
  • Never has any visitors ✔
  • ^ housework only done when hazardous to human health ✔
  • Never having anything interesting to say, because you’ve done fuck all ✔
  • Zero chance of meeting a potential husband ✔
  • ^ No point in eyebrow plucking, leg waxing, armpit shaving, nail painting or regular bathing ✔
  • Entire social life takes place online ✔
  • ^ Facebook stalking is acceptable, nay essential to mental health ✔
  • Spends most of day lying on sofa watching repeats of Keeping Up With The Kardashians feeling smug you’re not as miserable or bat shit crazy as Kourtney ✔
  • Spends rest of day on Right Move looking for houses miles away from annoying fucking neighbours ✔
  • Spends evenings lying in bed watching Pretty Woman for the 109th time wishing Richard Gere would rock up in a Roller ✔
  • Is annoyed/suspicious when anyone rings doorbell after 4pm ✔
  • Realizes there is zero point to being awake past 9pm ✔
  • Realizes sharing a bed with your dog is preferable to sharing it with a man who snores and wants sex at 10pm (aka the middle of the night) ✔

2. Pre-pandemic, healthy people weren’t bothered about the drug shortages faced by sick people.  Now no-one can buy paracetomol we might finally produce our own drugs in the UK instead of importing them from fucking China.  #covidbonus #jobcreation #buybritish

3. Pre-pandemic, people who didn’t work were low life benefit scrounging scum.  Now not working is a badge of honour and welfare benefits (ie furloughing) is brilliant. #endjudgement #itcouldbeyou

4. Pre-pandemic, no-one cared sick people couldn’t live on £94 a week welfare benefits.  Now everyone realizes no-one can live on £94 a week welfare benefits, so the government are giving an extra £20 to those claiming working families tax credit.  But no additional cash to those claiming disability benefits because it’s only healthy people who need extra help during the pandemic. #WTF? #equalityact2010 #discrmination #heartlesswankers #votelabour

5. Pre-pandemic, no-one worried about passing on their germs and killing people who were chronically ill.  Now we all have OCD and a Dettol fetish more vulnerable people might survive the winter flu/norovirus season.  #savelives #helptheNHS

6. I’ve gained loads of new followers to my blog cos there’s fuck all on the telly 😁 #waves #youmustbedesperate

 

 

 

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