I don’t know about you, but I’m very emotional atm. I don’t feel any more isolated than usual, but I am worried about my parents and I’m praying that all the people I care about come out of the pandemic unscathed.
It hasn’t helped that my period has chosen this week to arrive after 51 days with no show (I swear I’m going to be the only woman in history who doesn’t go through the menopause), or that I’m not sleeping due to my leg and hip pain, or that I’m not eating because any kind of emotional upset affects my appetite.
Today I am feeling very MEish. My body feels poisoned, my limbs like lead, my brain muddled and my concentration sadly lacking. I feel sick, I hurt everywhere, my throat is sore and I am beyond exhausted with everything I’ve had to deal with lately.
My elderly neighbours are both tetchy and not their usual selves. Ditto my parents and some of my friends.
Having neighbours who have taken it upon themselves to police the village and its inhabitants, and being shouted at by a total stranger for doing nothing wrong yesterday, hasn’t helped. I feel really weepy and overwhelmed. When you live alone and have no physical contact with anyone, no-one to make you laugh or give you a reassuring hug, it makes crisis situations harder to deal with.
I know I’m not alone in feeling this way.
Usually, I would go on my computer, or in the garden, or do some photography to distract myself but I actually feel too unwell for any of that today. So I lie here, alone, and try not to cry. But I’m fighting a losing battle. I was struggling with feeling down before the Pandemic even began and for the first time in many years I simply can’t pick myself back up again. Life seems too hard to cope with at present.
Tonight, I have to try and stay awake until 11pm to book my next Tesco delivery slot. I’m shopping not only for myself, but my parents, my disabled elderly friend, my elderly neighbours and another elderly couple. It’s a huge responsibility and I don’t know if I’ll manage it as I can’t keep my eyes open past 9pm I was awake at 4am this morning and went online and all the slots had gone. Again. I don’t know how anyone is managing to book a delivery, as the website crashes every night as soon as the slots become available.
I know the emotions I’m currently experiencing will pass in time. I’ll feel stronger tomorrow maybe, or next week. I’ll get my sense of humour back and not be on the verge of tears every second of the day. I hope it happens soon.