Most of the time I live a happy enough life. I was going to say under the circumstances, but actually you can be happy regardless of circumstance – well, so long as the circumstance is tolerable. Finding happiness in a war-torn country, or if you fear for your life, or are living on the streets or in abject poverty is asking too much of anyone but thankfully I’m in none of those situations. In fact, I have much to be thankful for.
I’m not super human though and there are times I feel overwhelmed and wake up in a morning wondering what the fucking point to it all is. This past month has been one of those times. I am so exhausted I can barely function. I’ve been worried sick I may have cancer (which, let’s face it with my drug history wasn’t going to be treatable), yet my dog still needs walking, feeding, grooming and health care, my parents still depend on me for every little thing, the bills still have to be paid and I am stony broke, my hormones are playing Jekyll and Hyde and I have put up with over a year of being bullied by a bunch of little bitches who want to destroy the only good thing in my life which is my photography. It’s a lot to be dealing with and while I take care of everyone, and everything, else there is no-one ever taking care of me.
I’ve felt tempted to just chuck in the towel and sink into the depression which has been trying to suck me in for some time now. I’ve been dealing with shit for decades and I’m tired, not to mention achingly lonely. But then there’s a side to my character which refuses to give in. It shouts at me to stop being an ungrateful pussy and wallowing in self-pity. Are you homeless? No! Are you penniless? No! In physical danger? No! Are you bedridden? No! Terminally ill? No! Well shut the fuck up moaning then and count your blessings.
I am blessed to have my little dog. My faithful companion and cuddle buddy. I have friends who are simply too unwell to have a pet, or living in accommodation which doesn’t allow pets.
I am blessed my parents are still alive, even though they drive me crazy and my Mother can be a bitch.
I have a lovely home, even if I need new windows and my front door doesn’t shut properly. It’s mine, no-one can chuck me out, it’s warm, it’s dry and I have satellite TV and reliable broadband 😉
I do not have cancer 😀
I am not bedridden.
I am not bankrupt.
I have lovely, supportive friends. They’re few in number, but I cherish them for the very fact they are few in number.
It’s true I have no-one caring for me, so I have to care for myself. If my child were living this life what would I currently do for her? I would wrap her in a blanket on the sofa, feed her peanut M&Ms and Pringles, we would rent a movie, cuddle up and I would tell her she is beautiful, she is worthy and tomorrow is a bright new day full of possibilities. I feel better already.
“Treat yourself as your own beloved child” – Pema Chodron