Treating the beloved child

Most of the time I live a happy enough life.  I was going to say under the circumstances, but actually you can be happy regardless of circumstance – well, so long as the circumstance is tolerable.  Finding happiness in a war-torn country, or if you fear for your life, or are living on the streets or in abject poverty is asking too much of anyone but thankfully I’m in none of those situations.  In fact, I have much to be thankful for.

I’m not super human though and there are times I feel overwhelmed and wake up in a morning wondering what the fucking point to it all is.  This past month has been one of those times.  I am so exhausted I can barely function.  I’ve been worried sick I may have cancer (which, let’s face it with my drug history wasn’t going to be treatable), yet my dog still needs walking, feeding, grooming and health care, my parents still depend on me for every little thing, the bills still have to be paid and I am stony broke, my hormones are playing Jekyll and Hyde and I have put up with over a year of being bullied by a bunch of little bitches who want to destroy the only good thing in my life which is my photography.  It’s a lot to be dealing with and while I take care of everyone, and everything, else there is no-one ever taking care of me.

I’ve felt tempted to just chuck in the towel and sink into the depression which has been trying to suck me in for some time now.  I’ve been dealing with shit for decades and I’m tired, not to mention achingly lonely.  But then there’s a side to my character which refuses to give in.  It shouts at me to stop being an ungrateful pussy and wallowing in self-pity.  Are you homeless?  No!  Are you penniless? No!  In physical danger?  No!  Are you bedridden?  No!  Terminally ill?  No!  Well shut the fuck up moaning then and count your blessings.

I am blessed to have my little dog.  My faithful companion and cuddle buddy.  I have friends who are simply too unwell to have a pet, or living in accommodation which doesn’t allow pets.

I am blessed my parents are still alive, even though they drive me crazy and my Mother can be a bitch.

I have a lovely home, even if I need new windows and my front door doesn’t shut properly.  It’s mine, no-one can chuck me out, it’s warm, it’s dry and I have satellite TV and reliable broadband 😉

I do not have cancer 😀

I am not bedridden.

I am not bankrupt.

I have lovely, supportive friends.  They’re few in number, but I cherish them for the very fact they are few in number.

It’s true I have no-one caring for me, so I have to care for myself.  If my child were living this life what would I currently do for her?  I would wrap her in a blanket on the sofa, feed her peanut M&Ms and Pringles, we would rent a movie, cuddle up and I would tell her she is beautiful, she is worthy and tomorrow is a bright new day full of possibilities.  I feel better already.

“Treat yourself as your own beloved child” – Pema Chodron

 

 

 

Advertisements

4 thoughts on “Treating the beloved child

  1. melody

    I really like thePema Chodron quote. Have you heard of Martha Beck? Sometimes the best prescription for some self-care can be following the laughter remedy. Martha has a series of posts on lame animal totems, and apparently she and I share Tyrannosaurus Rex: https://marthabeck.com/2014/04/t-rex/
    But I propose for your not-so-lame animal totem, the Honey Badger. Here’s a short 4 min. excerpt of a longer BBC video on them: “Honey Badger Houdini.” Apparently smarter than the average human, they eat poisonous snakes, too, then curl up for a nap, wake up and head off for more adventures. That certain indominable spirit . . .

    Like

    Reply
    1. Jak Post author

      Sorry Melody, for some reason I wasn’t informed of your reply so missed it. I love baders, so I’m quite happy to be a black and white furry ball who only comes out at night 😀 x

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply
  2. Sarah

    I have to say a smile spread across my face when I read the sentence “there are consequences for all actions, and public humiliation will be the consequence of theirs” 😁

    It’s also not surprising you are so exhausted. I bet you haven’t been able to switch off at all in the last few months, not only from the things you have listed but also the pension problems you’ve had. And so it becomes that viscous cycle when low mood leads to physical exhaustion which leads to low mood. A hard cycle to break without some support
    I don’t know about you, but I still find it difficult to give myself permission for a day off from things that need doing, yet at the end of the day I feel like I haven’t achieved anything. I started to write down even the smallest of achievements into a diary just so I couldsee that I had achieved but also thought it was really important to write what the hell my body was up to physically that day too. Having multiple medical issues, it’s easy to forget what little bugger has been playing up and also how severe they were on that day. Like today, my heart condition was playing up, god knows why, (usually an infection or done too much) which has meant I was really weak and breathless and so have done sod all today. Come next week it will be fine so I will wonder why the hell I haven’t managed to get anything done today as another body part will be the culprit that day so I will forget about the heart,or fingers crossed it will be a good day
    I’ve always said, having a long term medical condition that fluctuates is like being hit over the head with a bit of 2 by 2. If there are a run of bad days, then you are constantly being hit over the head. There is only so much before you break! AND it’s ok to wallow in self pity sometimes even to have a pity party, but not a full on rave! 😁

    Like

    Reply
    1. Jak Post author

      Sorry Sarah, I wasn’t notified you’d replied so missed your comment. Yep, it definitely feels like I’m being hit over the head by a piece of 2 x 2 on a daily basis at the mo and my skull is about to fracture! Like you I’m terrible at giving myself permission to take a break from everything, though that’s probably because it then just feels like there’s twice as much to do the next day x

      Like

      Reply

Leave a Comment

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.