Low patch

On top of my weekly roundup on a Sunday I try and write one blog post a week on a specific topic but the last few weeks I’ve been struggling.  I’m usually a gobby mare who never shuts up but the truth is I’m feeling a bit low at the moment and can’t think of anything to say.

I’ve been lying here pondering what’s really going on and I think I’m just feeling a bit lonely.  As I said in a recent blog post, during the winter everyone else is stuck indoors like me but in the summer it’s very obvious that healthy people are out having fun with their nearest and dearest and the fact I’m imprisoned in bed on my own feeling rubbish really hits home.

I’ve been single now for 10 years and while in many respects I love being on my own the lack of human contact seriously gets me down.  I have not been touched by another person in a decade and we’re simply not meant to live in that kind of isolation.  We have an innate need for physical connection – someone to hug us when we’re upset, someone to hold our hand when we’re frightened, someone to kiss us to share in our happiness.  The absence of that is something you never get used to and can, at times, become an actual physical ache of longing.

It’s bad enough that you have no-one with whom to share your life.  There’s no-one to ring when something great happens, no-one to care for you when you’re injured, no-one to help with chores when you’re exhausted, no-one to discuss Love Island with 😉   But for me the lack of physical contact is the thing which brings me to my knees.

There is no solution either.  I mean, you can pay someone to help with the housework or the garden and I do have my parents and friends I can chat to, but you can’t pay someone to lie and snuggle with you or to sneak up and kiss you on the neck when you’re doing the washing up.   You can’t pay someone to hold your hand while you’re waiting for an MRI scan or to massage your shoulders when you’ve got a migraine coming on.

So I apologise if I’m a bit quiet.  I’ll get over it, it’s not like I have a choice, but just at the mo I’m having a bit of a pity party and the only guests are my rampant hormones which are making me weepy (when are they going to bugger off?!).  I can’t even get drunk and binge on chocolate, which some days is worse than being alone, or dance to It’s My Party And I’ll Cry If I Want To cos my knees are playing up.  Fucking hell my life actually sucks 😀

 

 

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13 thoughts on “Low patch

  1. melody

    From several thousand miles away I send you some light and some healing energy–and I’d massage your shoulders if I was closer (I know that migraine feeling)! Even though it’s only a very modest sort of virtual comfort, I hope It’s nice to have someone to listen.

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  2. Livvy Woodburn

    Dear Jak, loneliness is truly heart breaking. I’m sorry you are feeling low. While I’m not in your situation I often feel this phoniness too, it definitely comes in waves. I do have a partner but I live in a rural village where I know no one, I haven’t any friends, my family are far away and are sick, I am bedbound and without carers, my husband has severe depression and is vacant a lot of the time. I am often feeling grateful for life one minute and achingly lonely the next. The only thing that gets me through personally is prayer and reading the bible. I hope you can feel more yourself soon. You do amazingly at staying strong and coping with so many difficult trials. I understand the need for intimacy. We were definitely created with that need to be satisfied. The one thing that’s difficult with our type of illnesses is that it’s not always practical to just go and do something completely different and have a change of scenery. Sometimes that also helps me though to get my mind ‘rebooted’ no matter how small the change is. Much Love Jak. So sorry you are sad. Please be better soon, I hope. 😔

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    1. Jak Post author

      Thanks so much Livvy. Sending hugs to you – living with someone who has mental health issues is draining and demanding and yes can also be very lonely so I feel for you x

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  3. eirlysgwenllian

    I’m sending you a safe, warm hug. It’s just virtual, but I hope it helps a little bit and I really feel for you and it’s all so very very relatable for me. I’m generally a loner, plus my overall life situation is contributing to my loneliness, so that the only people IRL I really have contact with are my family, but that’s how we’re created – we crave being close with other people- and sometimes it feels so awful that I have so little of it, and that my life is so different from other people’s, and, yeah, it sucks. So I just get it. I hope though that your mood lifts up a bit soon. Your situation may not change, but it doesn’t feel so hopeless all the time because luckily our moods are changeable.

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    1. Jak Post author

      Thanks for taking the time to comment and for the hug, though sorry to hear you’re in a similar position. You’re right in that our moods constantly change and I’m sure I’ll feel differently soon – my rollercoaster hormones will see to that if nothing else LOL! x

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  4. Lindsay

    I’m sorry, Jak. Having an illness can be so incredibly lonely. Sending you virtual hugs, which unfortunately aren’t as good as the real thing, but hopefully are better than nothing.

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  5. danieljuk

    oh Jak, I am sorry you are going through a bad time and feeling lonely. sending you lot’s of love ❤ there are times when things really get to us! Things must be bad if you can't think of anything to say 😉

    I don't really have a solution for physical contact, grab Bertie? 🙂 But it's worth trying to socialise more online, it does make you feel better! I share less things on social networking but if I do share something good or bad, even to a select audience, it makes me feel better and people react to it. That helps me. I would join communities that match your passions, socialising virtually takes your time and makes you feel better, especially places with strong communities. I would avoid health places though because you need a break! like for example joining a camera facebook group or a forum! I've had a lot of joy in a forum I joined, it involves socialising a lot. In your own health restrictions and energy obv ❤

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    1. Jak Post author

      Thanks lovely 🙂 So glad you’ve found a nice online community. I’m OK for company, it’s the lack of physical contact I find hardest. Bertie is a good cuddle monster though, even if he does have very smelly farts and his beard stinks of fish 😉 x

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