Won’t someone stop this train

I’m having one of those days weeks where I’m feeling overwhelmed.  I’m beyond exhausted, hormonal, feeling extra poorly and am, quite frankly, just plain fed up.  It’s been coming on for several weeks and, despite knowing I’m doing too much, am stressed, not sleeping and my health is suffering, I’ve felt powerless to stop the train.

My stay-cation, which started Saturday morning, has felt like anything but a holiday.  Last week I had meant to get on top of my laundry and stock up my freezer with food so that I wouldn’t have to do any chores, but was so busy with my parents that didn’t happen, so I spent most of the first day of my vacation cooking and washing.  I also found out that a friend in the village had dropped down dead from a brain hemorrhage the day before at the age of 43, which was devastating.

Sunday I spent the entire day putting together a five page objection to the plans to build 10 houses on a field next to my home.  Planning objections have to be based on law and material facts about which I know nothing, so it literally took 7 hours of Googling and writing and re-writing and checking my facts to do the submission which had to be handed in by Wednesday.

Monday the Yale engineer was coming to my parents’ house about the lock, so I had to be there to see to him as my parents simply can’t cope.  While I was waiting for him to arrive I made them some mushroom soup to go in the freezer and did some paperwork.  I then went into town to have new keys cut for the new lock, then walked the dog, went to see my neighbour with the cancer’s daughter to check how she was doing and finally got home, on my knees with exhaustion, at 4pm.

Tuesday my parents, 2 neighbours, myself and the dog had arranged to go up the Lakes for lunch which sounds lovely but was hard work.  I’d woken that morning with a stonking bad head which never let up all day but I still had to get Mum out of the house and into the car, do all the driving, get Mum out of the car and into her wheelchair (in the pissing rain and howling gale courtesy of Storm Ophelia) and seated at the hotel, take her to the loo mid-meal (which meant mine went cold), get her back in the car, back into the house, her shoes off and her slippers on, a brew made for them both and all the while keeping an eye on my Dad and looking after the dog who then had to be walked (in the storm) on the way home.  That night I had a small seizure/mast cell reaction and knew that if something doesn’t change, and soon, my health could get seriously scary.

Weds I woke at 6am feeling so MEish I felt like I’d been run over by a bus.  There was a mix-up with my dog walkers (one of whom is also my cleaner) and both turned up at 9am.  So the actual dog walker took Bertie while the cleaner sayed on to clean the house, which was due to be done that afternoon.  Usually I spend an hour tidying up before she gets here but of course I wasn’t expecting her and the place looked like I’d been burgled, so instead of crawling back into bed which is what I needed to do I started to sort the house out (she can’t clean if there are 20 dirty dishes on the kitchen worktops, photos spread out on the lounge room carpet and no fresh sheets to put on the bed).  That night was camera club and there was a hand-in for our first print competition, so I also had three A3 size photos to print off and mount.  Then I walked the dog, did the Tesco shopping for myself and my parents,  had something to eat, got changed and before I knew it it was 6pm and time to leave for town.  I seriously felt like road kill and have absolutely no recollection of the drive home.

It’s now 5 days in to my hols and today is the first day I have been able to spend the morning in my pjs in bed resting (well, inbetween putting my groceries away which were delivered at 9am, making my lunch, taking the dog out, making my dinner and tidying up afterwards).

I feel hard done by and want to shout to the world DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD MY FUCKING LIFE IS????? not that anyone would care.

Being sick is a thankless task and no-one realizes how difficult our days are, not just physically but mentally and emotionally.  Being a Carer is also a thankless task and no-one realizes just how much stress and work is involved in looking after a sick relative and their home.  The two together just feels like too much some days.

I feel like I should be apologising for being miserable lately, then get angry at myself for thinking like that.  I’m bloody well entitled to feel however I feel and shouldn’t feel pressured into pretending to be perky and upbeat every second of every day.  Yes my life could be harder (and has been).  I could still be totally bedridden, I could be begging on the streets in India or living in war torn Syria, but just because I’m not doesn’t make my situation any easier to cope with — not just at the moment anyhow.  I honestly think if just one more thing goes wrong or gets added to my plate it will be the straw that breaks the camel’s back and I’ll just collapse in a heap on the kitchen floor sobbing snotty tears onto the lino.

I need a break.  A proper break.  Away from the dog, my home and my parents.  Somewhere pretty and tranquil and restful (not a hotel full of 100 other boisterous guests).  But I can’t afford one and even if I could who would have Bertie?  Wherever I was I’d still have to drive to get there, cook (as eating out every day for a fortnight would cause me all sorts of histamine nightmares) and I’d still have to do laundry as I don’t possess 14 pairs of undies or socks.  So even going away somewhere seems like hard work and not really worth the effort.  I feel alarmingly trapped in a situation from which it seems there is no rest or reprieve.

I know that if I get the chance to properly rest and my hormones settle down from their current warp 10 status I’ll get my umpf back, but today I just feel like a rat on a treadmill and my little legs are tired.


13 thoughts on “Won’t someone stop this train

  1. Kim M

    I wish there were still old fashioned sanatoriums! crisp white sheets, a deckchair on the verandah wrapped up in a blanket, nourishing broths, water therapies maybe – I’m sure if illnesses were caught in their early stages especially ME/Fibro there might be a chance of living a better life instead of this endless round of disbelieving Doctors and relatives and trying to look after yourself whilst getting worse because you can’t look after yourself x


  2. Sarah

    Never ever compare yourself to other people from other countries and then put yourself down. Your situation is real, your feelings are justified. I know it’s difficult but you have to give yourself permission to feel this way.
    I know how you feel, when I was going through my cancer, my dad was admitted to hospital with severe pneumonia which we thought he would die from. He didn’t, so I had to help my mum sort out a downstairs room full of my dads books, putting them into storage and not let on that I had cancer so that my dad could live downstairs. They live over 60 miles away
    The adrenaline rush kept me going but when I “let go”, the fatigue was horrendous. Having ME and fibro is all about pacing but sometimes things in life mean you really can’t. So no wonder you are crashing right now because I bet your brain doesn’t switch off from worrying about your parents and their needs.
    Don’t beat yourself up. I would say that I would be at least 2-4 days totally in bed and not eating properly. Knowing this in advance helps give myself permission to do sod all but feed the pets for those days and my son if he’s lucky 😉 I line up programmes and films I want to watch and maybe even have some treats to eat in bed (such a rebel!)
    I shocked my son, who’s 17 a few weeks ago when I admitted I couldn’t cope and life mainly bedridden, wasn’t really a life and was getting me depressed. It was a weight lifted for both of us. He could understand why I was so snappy and I felt I didn’t have to put a mask on, which I bet you’re doing for your parents. It is very exhausting putting on a front to the world, and I would much prefer to read your true feelings than just the happy days as being ill can be very isolating especially when most people don’t get it and you constantly feel that you need to explain yourself and just wish they got it through their thick heads! (and breath…..). I think it’s really helpful to know other people with similar/same conditions feel the same way as you do.
    I watched GP behind closed doors yesterday and the Dr couldn’t understand why a woman wanted a do not resuscitate order put on her notes because in her words she wasn’t frail or terminally ill. The woman had fibro and arthritis and now had a problem with her head swelling up! I get it. If you feel you have no quality of life and you could be like this for another 30-40 years, the last thing is you want some bugger pumping on your chest then zapping you to ensure that you continue without any quality of life.
    I am so sorry about your friend, how awful. 43 is so young. I really feel for you. You are having a real shitty time at the moment. Sending you a big hug and not in the hollywood film producer way 😉 X

    (Oh crap, I’ve waffled on again, haven’t I 🙄)


    1. Jak Post author

      LOL at the hug comment 😀

      I agree Sarah that adrenaline keeps you going so that when you do finally stop you crash spectacularly :-/ I’m seriously looking at trying to get away for a few days – I have had one short break away from the house in 23 years so I think it’s about time! x


  3. Karen, The Walking Allergy

    I say that Protestant notion of noble suffering in silence needs to be turfed out. Feeling exhausted and frustrated is nothing to apologize about. Bill keeps correcting my language (at my behest, of course), instead of ‘I should have’, it’s ‘I couldn’t.’ It is not indulgent to spend a day in bed resting. It’s responding to what your body is telling you, and if you’re having cardiac or neurological symptoms, then listening to those early warning signals is VITAL- not only to save your life, but to avoid another major disability. I’m so sorry to hear about the young woman in your village. It’s jarring when things are out of the blue like that.

    And hon, good luck with avoiding the subdivision! Do you have groups attempting to preserve farmland? There are a few that are starting to form in Ontario, where arable land is disappearing under rheams of identical boxes. They’ve had some success in forming a green belt- land in those zones must be used for agriculture, only single farm houses are allowed. If there is such a thing in the U.K. they might be able to help. The Prince of Whales is a strong advocate of preserving farmland- maybe he has a foundation?

    Oh, and I’m terribly sorry if I attracting the ‘Gnome enemy’ a couple weeks ago…they don’t hide under bridges now, they hide behind their screens. I suspect that she isn’t a regular follower…. I hope I didn’t get any mess on you or cause you any upset. I forgot that certain phrases are picked up online and shipped out to fundamentalists- If I attracted attention from them, I’m so so very very sorry… Attention is good, but I’m not sure that you want that sort of attention. I’m sure that my attitude is as incomprehensible to her as hers is to me, if I respond, discuss or debate it, it’ll make it worse. Sorry about that…!


    1. Jak Post author

      No need to apologise Karen. If anyone wants to believe in an invisible man in the sky and “rules” written by men 2000 years ago to suppress women that’s absolutely their choice – it is, however, not mine (or yours). You do have to ask yourself, though, how well religious belief is working when religion has killed more people throughout history than any war, famine or plague – obviously I daren’t say that on my blog though or I would be jumped on from a great height 😦

      We already have laws in place protecting green belt land……..which our Government is totally ignoring. The Conservatives aren’t huge respectors of laws which get in the way of what they want to do :-/



  4. Linda N

    Those of us with MCAS and/or HIT or whatever classification someone else wants to call it these days, DO CARE! And we DO understand. It sucks, it sucks, it sucks, it sucks! And it never ends. People who are not chronically ill with an illness most of the medical profession either does not understand or claims does not exist, DO NOT understand just how sick one is on a daily basis, chronically. chronically, chronically. Hugs to you from “across the pond”.


  5. That Other Jean

    Ooof. That wounds like stress on top of stress. I’m so sorry. Don’t worry–you’re entitled to feel exactly the way you feel, without apology. I hope your life lets up enough for you to get enough rest to keep going, and a second wind to let you enjoy it.


  6. Elizabeth Milo

    I was trying to start my catch up on your blog last night. In the past, I’ve always started at the oldest first, so it’s like reading a book of your life, but this time I decided to dive in at the most recent because I wanted to know what’s happening with you now. I’m so sorry to hear about this rough patch, Jak, and also sorry that I’ve been an absent reader and friend. I hope things ease up and you get some well-deserved respite and rest. Much love from afar. xo


      1. Elizabeth Milo

        Just these brain symptoms limiting so much. I want to be reading and writing more!
        I love this time of night when my Irish/UK friends start waking up. I’m texting my Mum, on FB messenger with a friend sitting in Dublin airport and replying to you here all at the same time. 😍

        Liked by 1 person


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