I had my first free hour’s appointment with a Counsellor on Tuesday. I chose her because she had years of experience of working in a hospice, which I thought fitted my situation as she’s used to illness and bereavement. She has also worked in the addiction field and for a mental health charity. She was just as I expected and seemed very on the ball with picking up on my issues. I had a lovely hour offloading and was really eager to continue to see her………then she dropped a bombshell. She’s retiring early next year and could only see me for 12 sessions. We both agreed that this wouldn’t be enough – I particularly want someone in the background for when my Mum does pass away which I know is going to bring up some pretty strong emotions. I was gutted to be honest and felt quite tearful on my drive home.
There are limited people to see in my rural area, but I settled on someone else who also had both hospice and addiction experience. I contacted her and asked if I could take Bertie to the sessions – due to his separation anxiety I can’t leave him alone on his own and had no-one to look after him. She said no, so that was that.
As one of my “issues” is that I’ve been left to fend for myself most of my life these two experiences haven’t helped much. I logically know that these things happen, but I’m now rather hardened to the whole counselling thing and think “oh fuck it, I’ll just cope on my own like I always have!”. So I’m now not sure if I’m going to pursue it. Every time I ask for help I’m let down, then people wonder why I’m so independent – it’s because I’ve had to be.
I’ve been wayyyy overdoing it the past few weeks and can feel my body protesting loudly. I’ve felt fluey and drained, which is classic “post exertional malaise”. I must look like shit too, because someone I barely know at Camera Club asked me on Wednesday night if I was feeling unwell! I also knew that my MCAD was flaring (no surprise there if M.E. is mast cell related) and can now recognise the signs:
- My sleep worsens and I start waking two or three times in the night.
- I start needing to pee in the night.
- My reflux gets really bad and I develop a cough as stomach acid gets into my lungs.
- My skin and scalp start itching.
- My bowels get sluggish.
- My back starts to really hurt…..
….and then I get hives.
I know I need to slow down and rest more, but it feels almost impossible to do. I look at my diary for this coming week and it’s jam packed with stuff that just can’t be ignored (grocery shopping, making a Vet appointment for Bertie, sorting my broadband contract out, still sorting out my laptop buggered by the Windows 10 anniversary update, washing my car and checking the tyres, fixing the hinge on the kitchen cupboard door, putting the recycling out, doing the laundry, ordering a card for my cousin’s 60th birthday, worming Bertie and clipping his toe nails etc. etc. etc.). I’m not sure how I can spend a lovely week resting in bed in the face of all that, bearing in mind that however crap I feel I also have to make 3 meals a day and take the dog out.
However, the week hasn’t been a total right-off. Being as though it’s half-term I managed to borrow my friend’s kids for a little photo shoot. They love being my “models” and I give them a poster-sized print of the pictures to say thank you. Here’s the lovely Erin (shared with her Mum’s permission):
Having never taken photos of people until this year, I find I’m really enjoying it 🙂 Depending what you do with the picture can make the same person look completely different and it’s fun experimenting.
The clocks went back here in the UK last night officially ending British Summer Time, but Bertie didn’t get the memo. He wakes every morning at 6am and this morning was no different. Only of course it’s only 5am and everyone but us are still sleeping soundly in their beds. So much for having an hour’s lie-in!