Sunshine & Showers

I’m feeling a bit rubbish at the mo.  Physically and emotionally.  My health always goes downhill in Autumn usually at the start of September, although this year because September was warm and sunny I’ve had a reprieve and it’s really only been in the last week or so.  I need to move to Corsica or California – somewhere where it’s sunny much of the year, if only they would take single, sick, skint immigrants 😉

Everything hurts.  My back in particular is giving me gyp and just about every muscle is in spasm, which is making sleep difficult so I’m shattered.  Please don’t tell me to have dry needling or osteopathy – I’ve had mast cell reactions so severe from these types of therapies that I’ve ended up needing 24 hour care, so it’s sadly not an option.  I’ll just slap my TENS machine on and wait until it passes.

Probably due to the poor sleep my brain function is rubbish and I’m struggling to think straight, remember anything or make decisions.  I’m really struggling filling my ESA forms in and now starting to panic I won’t get them finished in time.

The past 2 days I’ve been dizzy as a blond on a roundabout, so haven’t been able to drive, watch telly or do much of anything else.  My appetite is also crap and I’m not eating much.

A fairly new symptom this year has been aching arms.  Really aching to the point where I want to chop them off.  I don’t know if this is connected to my new tremor or whether it’s just my M.E. playing up.  I could do without it but.

I’m going through a “I don’t want to be alone” phase.  Thankfully most of the time I live happily on my own, but every now and again I get lonely and wish I had someone in my life that would give me a cuddle.  I miss cuddles.  I miss company and someone to share my day with.  The dog’s not much of a conversationalist and is selfish to boot – a cuddle consists of him lying sprawled on his back with me rubbing his tummy, which is nice for him but I don’t get that much out of it 😉

Being as though I’ve technically been on “holiday” for 2 weeks my parents now have a list of jobs as long as my arm and to be honest I don’t feel like doing any of them.  The shower door is broken, the bath seal is knackered, they have some financial forms to fill in and my Dad’s next Dementia appointment is coming up.  It feels overwhelming when I’m not feeling great myself.

It’s shit really, because Autumn is a beautiful time of year.  As I’m typing this from my bed there is a spectacular orange sunrise over the Pennine fells and the birds are chirping their little hearts out.  Leaves are turning and the world is taking on a warm, rusty glow.  Perfect for photography, but I’m stuck in the house feeling crap and not able to get out.  It’s the height of frustration for me.

Hopefully I’m meeting up with my best mate tomorrow, so that’s something to look forward to.  I’ll allow myself a few days to feel emotionally low, then give myself a swift kick up the arse because getting into a downward spiral of self pity isn’t anywhere I want to be.  Life is hard enough without being miserable on top.

Today is a brand new day and, if it’s crap, tomorrow is a brand new day…….


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