Meltdown

I had a total meltdown this morning.  I woke up perfectly normally, wrote my chatty Weekly Roundup blog post, took Bertie out on my scooter as the dog walker doesn’t work weekends, and was poddling along when a car drew up next to me.  I live in a tourist area and vehicles often stop to ask for directions so I wasn’t expecting this conversation:

That wasn’t very hygienic!”
I was taken aback and then realized the head poking through the car window was a lady out of my village.
“Er, excuse me?”
“Your dog just peed up the egg box!”
The farmers put their boxes of eggs in large plastic containers by the side of the road and you put money in a tin box if you take any.
“Did he?!  Oh, I’m sorry I didn’t see or else I would have stopped him.”
“Don’t deny it.  I just saw him with my own eyes!  And you can see the pee all over the box!”
“I’m not denying it.  I just didn’t see him.  I’m really sorry and wouldn’t have let him do it if I’d seen him.”
“I get my eggs from that box.  It’s disgusting to let a dog pee up it!”
“I’m sorry, I didn’t know he was doing it.”
“It’s really unhygienic!”
“I apologise.  I’ll go and get some cleaning stuff and wipe it off.”
“Lots of people get their eggs from that box, how d’yer think they’d feel if they knew your dog had peed up it?”
“I’m really sorry, I’ll clean it up.”
And she drove off without another word.

Now I know Bert peeing up the egg box wasn’t right, but there are ways of speaking to people and this wasn’t the way.  It really shook me up.

Bertie is a tiny dog.  This incident took place a mile from my house and I know that Bert’s pee runs out only a few hundred yards up the village.  I’m not doubting he cocked his leg, but I was doubtful anything actually came out of his willy.  However, I turned my scooter round and went to the farm in question, knocked on the door and explained what had happened, apologising profusely and offering to clean up the pee.  The farmer couldn’t have been nicer and said his own dog pees up there, that’s what dogs do.  And it’s a plastic box so nothing inside would be affected by anything on the outside of the box.  However, to reassure me he went and inspected the box and said it was bone dry and I was worrying unnecessarily.

So on our way home I knocked on the door of the lady’s house who had shouted at me, explained what I’d done to rectify the situation and reassured her Bertie hadn’t peed on the box.  I was rewarded by her massive black Labrador shooting out of the house and attacking Bert.

As you know, I’m not a big cryer.  It’s pointless when you live on your own.  There is no-one to wipe away your tears, no-one to hug you better and no-one to reassure you everything is going to be alright.  In my world, crying solves absolutely nothing.  However, after this morning’s incident I had a total meltdown.  I couldn’t stop myself.  I barely got through the back door when all the anguish, stress, anger, pressure, anxiety and sheer exhaustion of the past few months overwhelmed me and I plopped down in a big heap on my hall floor, still wearing my waterproofs, anorak and wellies, and simply sobbed.  And sobbed.  And sobbed.

I’m fed up of being lonely.  I’m fed up of having no-one to talk to.  I’m fed up of being skint.  I’m fed up of having to be strong, all the time.  I’m fed up of never being touched let alone hugged.  I’m fed up of having no help, of having to do every single little thing on my own no matter how ill or exhausted I am.  I’m fed up of being anxious.  I’m fed up of caring for my parents when I have 3 brothers who do absolutely fuck all.  I’m fed up of pretending to the world that I’m not sick.  I’m fed up of being sick.  I’m fed up of being in pain.  I’m fed up of being exhausted.  I’m fed up of the boredom which makes up a large part of my day. I’m fed up of Doctors who don’t give a crap.  I’m fed up of receiving no care.  I’m so tired of the fight of my existence.

I don’t want to go out for lunch tomorrow with my parents.  My Dad talks shite and I have to treat him like a 5 year old, making sure he’s seated, doesn’t wander off, order a drink for him, take him through the menu and order his food for him, tuck his napkin in his shirt because he spills everything down his front, try and include him in the conversation even though he can barely follow anything that’s being said.  I don’t want to listen to my drunk Mum, slurring her words, repeating every she’s already told me 5 times and expecting me to act like it’s the first time I’ve heard it, not being able to follow the conversation, either finding everything funny or finding everything irritating and snapping at me and Dad, having to order her meal for her cos she’s not capable and knowing all the while that every single word I say she won’t remember by that evening, and we’ll go over every conversation again on Monday.   It’s exhausting and stressful and absolutely no fucking fun whatsoever.  And I have to sit there pretending like I’m having a nice time.  I can’t do it.

So I rang my Mum and told her I’m not going with them for lunch tomorrow.
“Why?”
“Do you want me to be honest Mum?”
“I do.”
“Because I can’t cope with your drinking at the moment.  I don’t want to cope with it.  You’re not my Mum when you’re drunk.  You’re putting incredible pressure on me and I’m struggling to cope with it on top of everything else.” All said very calmly and without blame.
“What if I promise not to drink tomorrow?  Will you come then?”
“I don’t know Mum.  I think I just need a break from being around the situation.”
“I promise I won’t drink tomorrow.  Please say you’ll come.  I really want you to.”  And so starts the emotional blackmail.
I said I’d think about it and let her know.

I now have a headache and still feel weepy.  The meltdown came out of nowhere but just shows the strain I’m under and all the stuff I bury so that I can keep functioning.  I’m sure I’m not alone in that.  Thanks for listening x

 

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16 thoughts on “Meltdown

  1. artfulblasphemer

    I am so sorry you had such an awful day, and that there isn’t anyone to lean on when you are exhausted from carrying your burdens. We all have moments where we simply can’t manage what’s on our plates, and having a meltdown is perfectly reasonable and even healthy–we have to release somehow. I wish I could offer you more than a cyber hug. Hang in there.

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  2. Linda

    That’s the way to get it out and stand up for yourself I wish I knew a answer but after all these yrs I don’t and some silly quote won’t help I truly believe a good cry is in order then treat the mast cells
    Big Hugs
    Florida

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  3. Ripley

    I’m glad you called to cancel. I have a hard time saying no. I may now have some other weird thing such as lupus on top of mast cell disorder. Everybody calls wants everything. I finally crawled to the doctor yesterday in pajamas with little dogs on them. I could barely shift my car gears. No one offered to drive. No one to do so. I don’t even tell people I’m sick anymore cause they just act like I’m not. They invite me to dinners and crap where I can only eat a leaf of iceberg and wax on about how good the tiramisu is- gah I just want to scream!
    I am too sick now to go to yoga or play flag football ( something I found for free that is near me). I played in middle school.
    I have been inspecting my dumb compassion and will begin to tell people the truth. My friend called and wanted me to help her pick up her house befor Easter. I hate discussing my health but 12 vials of blood were taken Friday and call your daughter I am not she.
    No is my favorite word from now on.
    No no no no no no.
    I love the way it sounds.
    Damn holidays.
    I get you.

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  4. d

    Jak, I am so sorry to hear about your terrible day. I think that woman was having a terrible day and decided you were the one she was going to take it out on – and not for any good reason. Those kind of people deserve a swift kick in the bum. You had every right to have a meltdown and, to be honest, it may be long overdue. Having a day to sit with your feelings and just experience them may be the best thing for you. Shoving them down, while I get it, and I do it myself, often just leads to more stress on the body. I am learning to sit with them in the moment they happen in order to help them on their way.

    I think you should take a break from your lunch tomorrow, and don’t feel guilty for it. Take some time for yourself, cuddle up with Bertie, have a cup of tea and some kind of treat. Or do something you love to do and don’t worry about anyone or anything else for the day. You deserve it.

    d

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    1. Jak Post author

      Thanks d. I think the meltdown was long over due too. I wish I felt better for it, but if I’m honest I don’t yet – I’m still weepy today. I think my hormones aren’t helping. Plus obviously the mast cell fallout from having the meltdown has made me physically feel like crap! This damned disease – you can’t even have a cry without it making you feel 10 times worse 😦 Jak x

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      1. d

        I hear that. It always seems to get worse before it gets better. Glad you got out some of that stress though. The fact you are still weepy today I think means you just need a bit more time to let things sit and then move on. Don’t try to rush it. If you feel weepy, be weepy, it’s all good. Hope the mast cells settle down soon.

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  5. Hypermobility Syndrome India/Viv

    So sorry Jak that you had one of those days. I got bogged down yesterday by someone who barely knows me, and certainly knows nothing about my health and kept saying things… But what is irking me most that I let him get to me. You did well to cancel the lunch, because you are doing that to take care of yourself. We have to take care of ourselves because often no one else can. Meltdowns have to happen once in a while, or you would implode. And all that you do to take care of yourself constitute being kind to yourself, and are important for your well being. I so wish I could give you real hugs, but am sending you virtual hugs. Take care of yourself and don’t be too hard on yourself. ❤

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  6. 48jenken

    Hang on in there Jak. You are 100% right to put yourself first for once. Moral blackmail is inexcusable – I know it’s difficult but try not to feel guilty and give in. Your internet friends are here for you.

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  7. Lisa Sullivan

    What a stupid bitch that woman was – seriously sounds like she is unhappy eith her life and can’t/won’t vent at the people who deserve it – you were a soft target, in the right place at the wrong time! I’m so glad you got validation from the egg farmer and super glad you told her so too! Doing all of that took energy – precious energy you didn’t have!

    You are brave and kind – exactly the sort of person people take advantage of – I know, because I’m one too. It’s got worse the sicker I become. I wonder if it’s because us spoonies on our own are so desperate for approval/company?

    Anyway, I think you have made a good choice missing lunch. Do something kind for yourself – binge watch a series you love,read a.book if you can, eat something you enjoy, sleep, whatever makes you feel good. You deserve it hun – it’s.really wearying being strong all the time.
    We are here for you. We understand. I hope you have a lovely me time and someone thinks of you for once.
    Love and spoons from New Zealand
    Lisa xxx

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  8. Elizabeth Milo

    Oh, honey. I wish I could do something to lessen your load. It really feels like you’re holding up the world sometimes, I don’t know how you keep on top of everything. Meltdowns are needed sometimes and bloody mast cells always make me too scared to let loose. I hope you didn’t pay for the emotional tsunami and that you’ve been resting and focusing on only you for a change.

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    1. Jak Post author

      Thanks mate. I’m still feeling the after-effects of the meltdown in terms of exhaustion but I’ve had my period too (which probably caused the meltdown) so hopefully when that’s finished I’ll feel a bit stronger.

      Hope you’re doing OK – been worried about you after your last blog post x

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      1. Elizabeth Milo

        I’ve had a great week!! Gonna write about it. Superstition be damned. 😊

        I’ve often wished they’d just taken out my uterus when I was a kid. It’s definitely caused more problems than any other part of my body! 😘

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