Having 1 potentially life-threatening, 1 chronically painful and 1 beyond exhausting disease you’d think All I’d Want For Christmas would be to be healthy. Or pain-free. Or to have my first night of uninterrupted 7 hours sleep in over 20 years. Or to have a Euromillions win so’s I could employ a chef to make all my low histamine meals. Or a Cleaner who comes more than once a fortnight. And whilst all these things would be life-altering (if unrealistic) it’s not what I truly want for Christmas.
What I’d really really like is a cuddle. To snuggle on the sofa with someone I love (or even like a lot, I’m not that fussy 😉 ), with the fire glowing, the Xmas tree lights twinkling and maybe some gentle Christmassy music playing in the background.
I haven’t dated now for 8 years. I don’t go anywhere to meet anyone, and 40/50something single men, who are attractive, intelligent, share my warped sense of humour, and don’t live 3000 miles away on another continent seem hard to come by. And most of the time I’m resigned to the fact I’ll be alone forever and I’m as OK with that as any 47 year old human being can be. But at this time of year the goalposts change.
Christmas, however way you want to look at it, is not for single people. It’s for sharing, caring and being with someone. And any single person, especially one who is largely housebound and can’t get out to join in the festivities, who says they’re not lonely over Xmas is lying through their teeth. So I’m not even going to pretend it’s fine to be alone at Christmas. It’s not. It sucks in every conceivable way and some ways you’ve not even thought about.
I’ve spent every one of the last 18 years (bar one) alone, so you’d think I’d be used to it. And I am. But I still wish it were different. I still wish I was snuggled up on the sofa with someone I cared about. Human beings have an innate need for physical human connection and to not have it, ever, is like some form of torture.
So, Santa, if you’re listening I’ve been ever such a good girl this year, so I’m happy to do without the perfumed toiletries I can’t use cos they make me itch, the chocolates I can’t eat cos they give me migraine, and the alcohol I can’t drink cos it makes me pass out, and I’ll settle for a cuddle instead.