Follow-up post

I just wanted to thank everyone who commented on my blog post about my fall out with my best friend.  I really do appreciate all the support and your very wise observations helped me get my head around this sad situation.

I found writing the post really cathartic…….and enlightening.  It wasn’t until I read the draft over that I realized N had been letting me and our friendship go for a very long time.  I’m sure if I said that to her she’d deny it, as I don’t think it’s been a conscious thing, but looking at the bare bones of what happened it’s very obvious I was way down her list of priorities and that her Aunt had taken my place.  Her anger and upset over my blog post was just the excuse she needed to break up with me (for wont of a better term) and if it hadn’t have been that it would eventually have been something else.  These things happen.

I’m not devastated or anything in case any of you are worried about me.  I’m sad, but in the past few years the friendship had taken up so little of my time it’s not like it will leave a huge gaping hole.

I still love my friend and want nothing but the best for her and her family.  I was very fortunate to have her in my life for the past 20 years and wouldn’t have gotten through the tough times if it weren’t for her support and laughter.  But it is time to move on.

I actually had a fabulous weekend.  Took myself off to the city on Sunday while it was quiet and had a mooch round the shops for an hour.  This is going to sound absolutely nuts but I felt totally joyful.  And very free.  Like a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders.  Reading back my post about my friend made me realize just how resentful of the situation I’d become and how distant I felt from her, while at the same time pretending that everything was fine.  It really wasn’t fine, and it hadn’t been fine for………well, ages.

This is the 2nd long-standing friendship I’ve lost in the past 12 months, and I realize that for me the resentment in both relationships has been the same – that of not being heard and my needs not being met.  I have a challenging life and I think it’s almost impossible for a healthy person to have any understanding of that, try as they might.  And I also think it’s almost impossible for a married person to have any understanding of what it’s like to live alone as I do.

I’ve been both healthy, employed and married, therefore it’s fairly easy for me to see my friend’s lives from their perspective.  But they have no way of seeing life from my perspective as they’ve never lived it.   It’s no-one’s fault – it just is what it is.

Maybe solitude is my bag this time round.  It’s certainly been a theme since I was a wee girl, despite my best efforts to change it.  So instead of wishing it were different I’m just going to relax into it.  I’m going to cherish it and enjoy it and look at all the things it offers instead of all the things it lacks.

“And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.”
Max Ehrmann

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6 thoughts on “Follow-up post

  1. Enduring Angel

    I am in the exact same boat, in the 10 years since I have gotten sick every friend I have had has walked away and just stopped calling. I think its their loss, but it still hurts. I find only those in our position can truly understand what illness and this level of suffering is like.
    I admire your ability to stay positive. Its easier to get bitter as I have.
    Angel x

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    1. bertieandme Post author

      I’m so sorry to hear that Angel 😦 I think becoming bitter is a fairly natural reaction, and I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t felt the same way at times over the years. But in the end, I decided these illnesses had robbed me of quite enough without them robbing me of my inner joy and peace, so if isolation and solitude is how I’m forced to live my life I shall live it as joyfully as I know how. I don’t manage to be positive all the time, or even nearly all the time (!), but that’s OK – I’m only human. Hugs, Jak x

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  2. Elizabeth Milo

    Well, then ignore the comment I just left on your previous post. I’m happy to hear you’re not feeling devastated. I’ve been living alone for 3 weeks now and it’s actaully really freeing (albeit very, very hard to cook everything from scratch when you’re so weak). If I could get out of my bed more than just to feed myself, I might actually like it. 🙂

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    1. bertieandme Post author

      I loved both your comments on this EM. Before I wrote the blog post I *was* feeling absolutely devastated, and totally confused at what the hell had happened. But after writing it down it was clear that *she* had been letting me go for a very long time – I just hadn’t realized it. I guess it’s like living with a boyfriend who cheats: the signs are all there, but because you trust them you’re not looking. It’s only when it ends that all the signs become glaringly obvious and you can’t believe you didn’t see them before! And because things have been tailoring off for some years it’s easier to cope with than if we were still speaking several times a week and I was leaning on her emotionally, which I haven’t felt able to do for a lonnnng time.

      Knowing it’s not my ‘fault’, and there’s nothing I could have done to change the situation, has made it easier. You can’t force people to love you. And I agree with your previous comment: it’s her loss. I know people say that when they’re feeling defensive, but I really mean it. I know my friend inside out and I’ve been a rock for her – and eventually, she’s going to miss me.

      Her Aunt is 15 years older than her and has severe arthritis. My friend will just end up caring for her, instead of it being a two way street friendship. She’s doing loads for her already, which I tried to discuss with her but she just brushed off. To be honest, her eldest son (who she’s closest to) is leaving for Uni this month and my friend is someone who needs to be needed: her Aunt will take her eldest kids place to be helped and looked after. But my friend has no-one who looks after *her* and she already struggles to get through the day at times.

      Living on your own does have huge advantages, but it is lonely. I’ve lived on my own for my entire adult life though, so I’m just used to it. Not even sure I *could* live with another person at this stage – they’d drive me nuts. Living with Bertie is about as demanding of my time and energy as I can muster I think 😉

      Loads of love, Jak x

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