I just wanted to thank everyone who commented on my blog post about my fall out with my best friend. I really do appreciate all the support and your very wise observations helped me get my head around this sad situation.
I found writing the post really cathartic…….and enlightening. It wasn’t until I read the draft over that I realized N had been letting me and our friendship go for a very long time. I’m sure if I said that to her she’d deny it, as I don’t think it’s been a conscious thing, but looking at the bare bones of what happened it’s very obvious I was way down her list of priorities and that her Aunt had taken my place. Her anger and upset over my blog post was just the excuse she needed to break up with me (for wont of a better term) and if it hadn’t have been that it would eventually have been something else. These things happen.
I’m not devastated or anything in case any of you are worried about me. I’m sad, but in the past few years the friendship had taken up so little of my time it’s not like it will leave a huge gaping hole.
I still love my friend and want nothing but the best for her and her family. I was very fortunate to have her in my life for the past 20 years and wouldn’t have gotten through the tough times if it weren’t for her support and laughter. But it is time to move on.
I actually had a fabulous weekend. Took myself off to the city on Sunday while it was quiet and had a mooch round the shops for an hour. This is going to sound absolutely nuts but I felt totally joyful. And very free. Like a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders. Reading back my post about my friend made me realize just how resentful of the situation I’d become and how distant I felt from her, while at the same time pretending that everything was fine. It really wasn’t fine, and it hadn’t been fine for………well, ages.
This is the 2nd long-standing friendship I’ve lost in the past 12 months, and I realize that for me the resentment in both relationships has been the same – that of not being heard and my needs not being met. I have a challenging life and I think it’s almost impossible for a healthy person to have any understanding of that, try as they might. And I also think it’s almost impossible for a married person to have any understanding of what it’s like to live alone as I do.
I’ve been both healthy, employed and married, therefore it’s fairly easy for me to see my friend’s lives from their perspective. But they have no way of seeing life from my perspective as they’ve never lived it. It’s no-one’s fault – it just is what it is.
Maybe solitude is my bag this time round. It’s certainly been a theme since I was a wee girl, despite my best efforts to change it. So instead of wishing it were different I’m just going to relax into it. I’m going to cherish it and enjoy it and look at all the things it offers instead of all the things it lacks.
“And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.”