A bit quiet

Sorry for being a bit quiet recently.  To be honest I’ve been down in the dumps and feeling sorry for myself.  I had my period 2 weeks ago, and although it wasn’t too bad I’ve been very lax since and my back and hips have been painful.  I also haven’t been sleeping well which makes me tired and grumpy.  On the upside, however, I had one migraine just before my period started and have had none since (shhhh, don’t tell anyone in case the God’s are listening!).

I’ve never been one to suffer too badly from PMT, but since the peri-menopause started I’m getting post period depression and anxiety.  For the 10-14 days between the start of my period and ovulation I feel really down and get some quite bad anxiety attacks.  Once I’ve ovulated though I feel calmer and happier, so I’m hoping the situation improves in the next day or two.

My root canal saga rumbles on.  I have constant toothache all of the time, which seems to get worse as the day wears on.  Last night I was in tears and lying with my face on a hot water bottle.  It’s been nearly 2 months now and I’m proper fed up of the whole thing.  My dentist doesn’t know where the pain is coming from and neither do I.  I still can’t even bear to touch the back of my tooth with my tongue it’s so sensitive and haven’t been able to eat anything on that side since the beginning.  I know that’s causing me some jaw issues as my bite is wonky, so some of the pain is referred pain, but my gums feel tender and the actual tooth is still so sore.  There is no infection left, the canals have been cleaned out no less than 5 times (!) and my x-rays (all 3 of them!) look perfect.  Is it just the ligaments which are sore due to my EDS?  Why no improvement after 2 whole months?!  If I could just have the damned thing out I would, but of course even that isn’t straight forward.  The roots extend to my sinus cavity, so it’s a hospital job if I have it removed – and there is a 3 month waiting list 😦  I miss painkillers.

Over 2 months ago I sprained my finger and it’s still swollen, I can’t fully bend it and it’s still sore to pressure and touch.  So I’ve made an appointment with the O.T. next week to get an Oval-8 for the PIP joint in the hopes that some stabilization will help it heal.

On top of the pain I’m having a bad bout of nausea, plus some griping stomach pains, which is also getting me down.  My bowel movements are fine, so I’m not quite sure what the constant 24/7 nausea is all about.

Various jobs have needed doing in the house lately, including getting pest control in to deal with a Wasp’s nest, trying to get quotes to have my shed roof repaired and replaced, getting Environmental Health out to a smelly drain, and spending 2 hours yesterday trying to hang a new front gate after my old one fell apart (I simply have no money to get someone in to do it for me).  On top of feeling so rubbish it’s all felt like too much and yesterday I could happily have sold up and gone to live in a tent.

To add to the stress my little dog Bertie ate something he shouldn’t this week and the Vet had to ring the poisons unit in London to find out whether or not to pump his stomach.  He didn’t end up needing it done thank God, but I now have to wait 6 days to see if he becomes anaemic which isn’t helping my stress levels one iota.

And as if all that weren’t bad enough my beloved camera has been away at the menders for 3 entire weeks, so in the best patch of weather we’ve seen all year I haven’t been able to take a single photo.  I’ve missed puppies being born, I’ve missed the chicks I’ve waited months for hatching and fledging and all the early summer wild flowers that are now dying.  I finally got the camera back from Olympus yesterday only to find it’s worse than before it went, despite me paying nearly 1/3 of the price of the camera to have it mended.  It will only take one shot before freezing completely.  Olympus just said to send it back again, but that means being without my camera for most of July.  I enter the Countryfile Calendar competition, and the Kennel Club dog photograph competition, every year and both have recently been announced – which means I have 3 weeks to get some fabulous shots, get them printed and sent off.  With no camera it’s never going to happen.  I literally have this one picture of a Robin feeding its chick I managed to capture in my car port in the spring and that’s it.  I’ve asked Olympus to send me a replacement while mine is away, but despite them saying they’d ring me back they haven’t.  I know all this sounds petty, but I have so few pleasures in life, and taking pictures is my one stress release.  The past few weeks have just felt like a mass of pain, nausea and depression with no joy or redeeming features 😦

Due to all of the above I haven’t been trying out many new recipes the past few weeks, so I apologise I have nothing new food-wise to share with you.  I have been trying to make a Mango chutney minus vinegar but so far no joy – I’ve sent for some dried Mango Powder to see if it will give me the sourness the chutney is lacking so I’ll let you know how it goes.

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7 thoughts on “A bit quiet

  1. todd

    My heart goes out to you! I can identify with so many things. But mostly, I just want to let you know that there is a friend across the pond (ha) that is saying a prayer for you. You must be a heck of a strong woman for sure but even strong gals feel defeated sometimes. ..especially when we hurt physically and then have all of that other stuff! Keep posting and I will keep you in my prayers!
    PT

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  2. Sherry

    Hello 🙂

    Nice comments from Todd.

    I hear you. I fight the self-pity battle often. Wish I didn’t but I do. Like you, illness has carved out (and continues to do so) a much different life for me than I had imagined.

    Relentless pain, some of it absolutely wretched yet inexplicably nameless (without diagnosis)… and moving through life, every moment of every day, with what feels like the world’s worst hangover is…shitty and insane. The lack of sleep and the out of whack chemicals in my body seem to rule what happens within it and within my mind – and have a direct influence upon my mood. So, yes, self-pity is a daily fight (minute to minute). And it is a fight of endurance. Have I compromised, accepted, surrendered, found a place for gratitude, for love, for life? – you bet I have and, through practiced awareness, I’ll continue to do so but this accomplishment isn’t easy, requires constant effort, and some days is seems…futile. But I, like you, have so much to offer this world – whether it be from my little corner on the couch or bed – or out there with the people and in nature…and that is what keeps me going…even in those most horrible moments when I feel that I cannot see past my pain and find myself daydreaming of death.

    You are a strong human being – this is an obvious fact. You are a loving being. You say it like it is and your readers will be OK with that, or not – they will support you, or not. You will inspire them, or not…and so on…but, in the end, it is a solo flight – this life – and up to you to see your own beauty and strength like the gem it is – buried beneath the rough edges of stone.

    Love to you,

    Sherry

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    1. bertieandme Post author

      Thanks for such a lovely comment Sherry 🙂 As you say, we’re all in it alone when push comes to shove but it’s still nice to know we all have each other for support x

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  3. todd

    Sherry, you write beautifully, too! I just love how in just a couple of posts I feel like there might really be someone ( or maybe even more) “out there” who really understands. I find through all of the pain, spinal surgeries, etc., my biggest challenge is trying to be social when most of the time I end up canceling plans. I want to make plans but never know how I will wake up that day!
    As for my mental state, I really thrive when I stay fully conscious and aware of my thoughts and words. I love Depak Chopra and many other forward thinkers. Take care!
    PT (I am female but used a middle name) I still am really cautious when putting anything out into cyberspace.) OOPs…I guess this reply can’t reply to the replier!! HAAAA! I am sending it anyway….

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    1. bertieandme Post author

      Sherry should be able to read your comment Todd. As for being cautious in cyberspace you do right – there are a shed load of complete nutjobs out there!! That’s why there’s no email address on my blog for people to contact me – who knows what would end up in my inbox :-/

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    2. Sherry

      Hello Todd (via bertieandme and with all due respect to her brave and informative blog),

      I am very happy that my words were comforting for you. I know illness related feelings of isolation and despair all to well…it is an exhausting trek. I often long for someone who completely understands with little having to be said…sure helps in the maintenance of sanity and in the building of endurance.

      I am also cautious regarding “The Net” and putting too much personal info out there. Seems the sicker I got though, the less concerned I became about that. Not that I do not pay attention to what I do and say on the Internet…I certainly do…and I limit my interaction and detail – but, I am simply sick of expending too much energy on worry and fear (fighting them often in my illness) and strive, sometimes on a very thin line, toward hopeful, truthful, honest, kind, and loving connections and relationships.

      Being social while very ill is like climbing a mountain that never ends. I have been disappointed more times than I like to remember where I have missed events I was really looking forward to (and shouldered the added burden of having let people down). I have seen family and friends fade to black (some not so slowly). Only a small few (very small) authentically get my situation and think of me, sending me invitations to and for events despite my showing up rate (and who visit me – that is an even smaller few). I love those folks.

      For a couple of years, I just said no to all invitations (always). But then I felt kind of panicky at the thought that I might become a hermit and unable to remember how to socialize – and I was missing out on some wonderful moments – so I began saying yes (always). If I could make it, I went, if I could not…I could not. But the social balancing act remains an emotional roller coaster. One I could do without but life says otherwise.

      My most precious supporter is my own awareness…with it I can make choices that are much closer to my truth – no matter how difficult this may be.

      I live in Ontario, Canada.

      Sherry 🙂

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